Home for a week and finally getting it back together...

God spoke to me during my time with him yesterday morning. I'd been feeling so purposeless and actually depressed practically since arriving home. I was trying to focus but I just kept mulling it over. I wrote:

This trip was incredible. While I was there I'm able to give it all to God and say "do with me what you will." I'm able to trust Him with each step and be so dependant on Him and it all feels so right. And then I have to come home and I hate it. I immediately try to be dependant on myself again. I feel depressed and purposeless. I hate settling back into my old routine which has no adventure. I hate going back to work and back to routine here. I just don't want to do it! I cry out to you Lord- help me!

I sat quietly but was not hearing an answer at all. So I started reading in my bible where I left off the day before just to fill the time until I could be done with my "quiet time".

Matthew 14:25- 31 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And God spoke to me. He said crystal clear "That's you. You want to get out of the boat. And you even manage to walk a few steps. But then you get back home and you look at the wind and you see the waves and you look down at your own feet and you sink! But I am right here. I'm still standing right in front of you. Nothing is different except that you are focused on yourself instead of me. Knock it off!" Well, that knock it off may not have been directly from God- but that is the impression I got.

So I put down my bible and pen and journal and I went outside for a long run (Actually it was more like a walk because I have not run in nearly 5 weeks but that is irrelevant). I reminded myself that no matter where I am on this planet I really have nothing to offer. I am simply an empty vessel and I can not depend on myself. But the good news is that I serve the God of this universe who does have something to offer. And better yet He chooses to fill me with new mercy and new blessing every day! So I actually do have something to offer no matter where I am on this planet. I'm inadequate but it doesn't matter because He is more than adequate. I'm now working on keeping my eyes off the water and on the one that always gives my life purpose and direction.

So I can't promise that I won't me mildly melancholy for a little while longer but my focus is back where it belongs. This isn't about me at all, it is all about my God. Thank you Lord.