Monday, April 29, 2013

My calling is no less sure... just more painful.

Good grief! Where is the time going?! I'm really enjoying being here in the States. Probably too much. I'm going to find it really hard to head back in a few weeks. I'm afraid I'm getting too comfortable, enjoying these comforts, food, good internet, easy travel.... I wish the urgency, the calling, the necessity of being in Uganda was more strongly felt.  Already, the thought of all the goodbyes is enough to wreck me. Had to say goodbye already to my brother, and his wife and kids as they headed back to Pennsylvania. The thought of several more years before I see them again makes me cry even as I type this. My calling to Uganda is no less sure in these times. Just a lot more painful.
Yesterday I read:  
You can’t fully experience, enter into, own, gain victory over, or learn from what you refuse to name.
So today I'm trying to name it. Grief, I guess. Grieving the stuff I don't get to enjoy when I'm in Uganda. Like food, entertainment and creature comforts. I don't like that I'm so shallow but it is the truth. Grief also that I'm not a big part of the lives of my family and friends. I hate being so far away and not knowing what it going on with them. I hate goodbyes because they are so long in between. It will most likely be two, maybe more years before I'm back.  There is a lot of life that happens in that much time.

I also hate that I'm here for six more weeks but I'm already dealing with it. The countdown seems permanently in the back of my mind. Wondering, will I do this again before I go or is this the last time?  Will I see this person again or should be say bye now? Should I be doing more in the limited time I have? Am I already trying to do too much?

So now I've named it. Hopefully I can learn from it... Do you have anything you need to name?

1 comment:

rach said...

Goodness Jennifer. I cried just reading your post. I miss so many things about the States (even the things that make me feel shallow...) but it's the relationships I, too, miss the most. I hate knowing that my little nephew won't even know who I am. I am praying for you, dear friend. I hope that we can help ease your transition back to your Ugandan home but don't start counting down too quickly, enjoy the moments you have.