On this blog I've always wanted to be honest about my flaws and humanness. Just because I'm a missionary does not mean I've even remotely got things figured out. As soon as I start thinking about outward appearances I see it first here, on social media. "What can I post or write or show pictures of that make me look good (or at least like I'm not falling apart)"? So here is me trying to be honest again. I need to admit that I'm a bit unmoored right now. Webster says this means "to loose from anchorage." But the second definition is "to bring to the state of riding with a single anchor after being moored by two or more" and I like that one better.
I know in my head that I can't keep functioning the way I was in Soroti. After this break I could go back to it and survive and maybe even do some good for people for a bit again but I'll be right back to this place. The suffering and needs are just too much. I don't know how to give what I can and not be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the remaining needs. So, something needs to change. I don't know what that is. Do I need to find a medical team to join? Possibly in Karuma, or Jinja or Mbale? Do I need to do something radically different in Soroti? Am I still being called to work in Karamoja? Am I supposed to be done in Uganda for now? I don't have the answers to any of these questions and God has been very quiet when I ask (over and over again.)
So for now I'm resting and praying and trying to take small steps. I'm trying to deal with false guilt and real anger. And for the first time in awhile I experienced God's presence in a reassuring way. I'd been missing it for a frustratingly long time. God reminded me in my quite time today how important my daily bible reading was. I was still readying and studying it but merely as a hoop to jump through early in the morning. Thanks so much to all of you who have been praying for me because "you have not because you ask not" applies to our scripture reading as well. I had not been asking or expecting anything from the scripture I was reading for quite a while now.
Setting your mind on things of God leads to enduring delight, genuine joy. I'd been missing this for too long. The suffering and daily grind seemed to be all I could see. There was no joy in it. But, He is restoring His joy. Mostly it is in swimming and my nieces and lots of manual labor but I'll take what I can get.