I’ve found myself wrestling, again, with what I’m doing here. It seems that this question rears its ugly head whenever I’m feeling discontent or like I’ve got the cruise control on. I’m coming to really see this question, this lack of focus, this mental disharmony in my mind, is from Satan. That seems a bit extreme but I know that it is true. The question implies that my calling was wrong or that God’s purpose isn’t right. Satan whispers this to my mind in order to take away my trust, because when I even humor the question I’m allowing myself to say there is a bit of truth in it, when in actuality there isn’t.
The good news is that I’ve begun to recognize it for the lie that it is and you counter a lie with truth. So I’ve been going to God and her has reminded me some things lately:
1.) Once again I’m being Martha instead of Mary. I’m too worried about doing, accomplishing, and being productive. I need to just sit at the feet of my teacher.
2.) I’m just here to live life. In the words of my favorite author: “I believe that, at its simplest, a missionary is one sent by God to live a Christian life, usually amongst people other than his own. It is the living which counts. This may include formal preaching, but it will certainly include personal relationships, and these often have to be worked out under trying conditions.” – Dr. Helen Roseveare
So that’s it. Today I’m just trying to live. Tomorrow, just living honestly before God too. This will include living in front of people like Betty, who selfishly I don’t want to invite into my home day after day. It includes going out to Obule and having tough conversations. It includes loneliness and homesickness as my family plans a wedding and prepares for another birth. But it also includes this relationship with my Lord that I can’t even begin to explain. He answers when I’m struggling with something. He reminds me of His presence all the time. He shows me the wonder of His promises.
Well, now I’m rambling. That’s all for today.