Suffering

This world is a messed up place. Just in case you hadn't noticed allow me to point it out to you. There are kids, innocent children starving, homeless, parent less. They have done nothing wrong. There are some who will never sleep in a clean bed with a mattress and sheets. There are some who will never know what it is like to be healthy. They are infected by HIV before they have ever made a single choice for themselves. Young girls raped. Young boys abducted. Scared. Hungry. Lonely. Hurting. Suffering.
Worse yet, it is not isolated to one small place on this planet. Or even confined to one large place. It is all over. Everywhere. There is abuse in my backyard. Hunger , pain and suffering on your street.

Yeah, but God exists and He loves us right? All of us? These kids too? He is fair, forgiving, and merciful, right? So how do these two things fit? I know that God is all wise, all knowing, all powerful. He can fix this mess we've made...right?

Then why doesn't He?

(Don't worry, not having a crisis of belief, just trying to understand...)

Second Annual Semi Silent Retreat

Second Annual Semi Silent Retreat

It is good to just shut up sometimes.

Facts vs the truth

So here is what I'm pondering tonight....

Far too often we assume that the facts of our situation are the truth.

Just think about it a second.

We assume that the facts of our situation are the truth.

Maybe the facts of your situation are that you are in financial trouble with few options. But is that the truth? No, the truth is that God promises to provide for our needs.
Maybe the facts are that no one understands and you feel so alone. But is that the truth? No, the truth is that Jesus walked this earth and He does understand and He does not leave us alone.
Maybe the facts are God is distant from you and you can't see Him. What is the Truth? He wants to know us intimately! He says He is standing at the door knocking!


THE FACTS DON'T HAVE TO BE THE TRUTH! The TRUTH is God's. The facts are never greater than God, God is the Truth. God is Truth.

The facts are I'm a screw up. The truth is I'm a child of God, a worthy creation, covered in grace!
The facts are we all deserve the consequences of our mistakes. The truth is God's mercy covers us!
The facts are this life seems purposeless, hopeless and mean. The truth is God gives joy, peace, hope and purpose! He is offering these gifts for the taking!

Do you believe the facts or the TRUTH? Do we live like we believe the truth?
Your facts will not set you free! The Truth sets you free!

Thats it. The rest is yours to ponder.

Just need a run...

It has been a while since I've needed this particular medium to unwind- though I feel like unwind is far to mild of a word. Ever since I've messed up this ankle I've felt so pent up... and it just keeps penting. I know, not really a word, bite me. See? There you go. Far to pent up. I need a release so badly. So here I am, just trying to unwind. Just like a good run to clear my mind and get ready to sleep. Lacing up the shoes now and headed out the door. My thoughts are so rapid, pretty much like my foot steps the first few minutes. Take off down the side of the road. Work tonight was crazy. I didn't get nearly enough done today before I went in. And all the stuff that I thought maybe I'd be able to do at work, what a joke, just too busy today. Should have known better, it's a Thursday. Wonder how that kid is doing? I really wish she would have stopped seizing. The ambulance couldn't have arrived sooner. I hate taking care of kids. But, wait isn't that what I'm signing up to do in Uganda? What have I gotten myself into?! I'm not cut out for this! O.K. Breathing is too hard, still warming up. Slow down a little, there you go, tuck into my stride. That feels better. Why do I always do that my first half mile? Deep breaths, keep slowing the breathing down. Unwinding. Tomorrow, have to pick up my computer. Longer strides, stretch it out. Still have 6 of those papers to write and submit. And those other ones to edit one more time. Got to get that computer on the internet right away to get those turned in. Finally sweating. Still holding a good stride. Also got to get that letter going for people on the support list. I really need to get that in the mail before I leave. Have to make that a priority. There is time left though, I can still get it all done. Turn left up here. Just before that street light that is always out, those kids are always just sitting there smoking and cursing. Don't need any trouble. Tomorrow I have to move all that donated stuff into storage too. Carmen is getting me so much stuff to bring. I wonder if I'm going to be able to get this stuff in country? I can't wait to give it to those who really need it though. It'll be so worth it. Starting the hill. I hate this climb. My quads, every time. Keep your head up. The top of the hill is just there. Little more... its a good burn. Should call Beckie tomorrow. Gotta get the oil changed in the car before we head to Chicago too. Wonder if one of the brothers has time. So, down the hill or straight? 25 minutes, guess thats about enough. Time to start to cool down and call it a night. Back toward the house I guess. Oh, the house. It needs so much work still. And tenants! I've got to get some people back into it. I just don't know who, just don't have enough time. But I don't have the money for it to sit empty either. Money! I've never spent so much time worrying about money before! I know God will provide. He called me to it, He will take care of it. Need only another $1,500 for training. But $40,000 after that. Not until later, there is still time. One step at a time. Back on my street. Slow to a walk. Sweaty. Good. Stretch for a minute. Feels so good. Nice to just sit here.... quiet.... both in my head and out. Much better. If only....

Be still

So... what is going on now? I've begun counting the days until Beckie and I leave for training. Less than a month now (27 days) . I'm struggling though what seems like a huge pile of books to read and papers to write. I'm trying to process what God is teaching. I'm working as many hours as I can pick up while spending extra time in devotion. It all seems just slightly overwhelming right now... The funny thing is that I think God is telling me to stop striving, be still. Psalm 46:10. Know that He is God. Know that I am loved. Not because of what I do, or what I accomplish. That I can never, never do enough or be enough to earn His love. And, most of the time, I'm not trying to earn it. I just whan to say thank you, that I appreciate His grace. But, even then I can't do enough. So, stop striving. Be still. *sigh* I'm working on it....

Dinner

Sorry- I wish this came through more clearly but it is an invitation. Feel free to join us for a Ugandan dinner and a movie. Friday Aug 21st, food 6 ish and movie 7 ish. Remembrance church, around the back, bring a lawn chair or a blanket and be ready for a cross cultural experience!

Beckie

So my friend Beckie is in Soroti, Uganda right now scoping things out for us. Will you be praying for her?

• That God gives her wide open eyes and a wide open heart.
  
• That she is able to listen to His leading.
• For the relationships she builds and interactions she has with people.

I'm so jealous!

International Teams- Sending 1200 workers in 210 teams to 66 countries in order to implement the transforming mission of Jesus

"MOBILIZING INTERNATIONAL TEAMS TO BUILD TRANSFORMING COMMUNITIES "

MOBILIZING

"Mobilization" is the process of stirring individuals in the body of Christ to move out of their current situation into innovative, cross-cultural ministry and to place them strategically in the ministry context.

We speak prophetically to the church today regarding its responsibility for global evangelization.

We are catalytic and innovative in our approach, with a concern for quality in the process.

We communicate with integrity, seeking to match expectations with reality and our mobilization is church-based, because we believe that God's desire is to work through His church to redeem the world.

INTERNATIONAL

The "international" aspect of this ministry permeates our organization. It speaks of who we are, what we do, and how we do it.

"International" means that we are cross-cultural and cross-geographic as we facilitate the sending and receiving of strategic workers throughout the body of Christ worldwide.

Our teams reflect the diversity of Christ's body in many ways, including cultural background, ethnicity, giftedness, and social status.

"International" also speaks to an incarnational approach that gives respect and dignity to those whom we serve.

TEAMS

Scripture offers us "teams" as a primary model of ministry. Working together in teams is important because God has not given all giftedness to any single individual.

We help to create partnerships and unity not only among individuals, but also with other churches and various ministry organizations.

We seek to mobilize teams which are well trained and which have an environment that is open and honest enough to accept and challenge one another.

TO BUILD

How we do what we do is critically important.

We desire to be spirit-led, following His guidance and trusting His power to be an agent of change in the world.

We seek to be intentional and strategic by articulating a clear and compelling vision and well-designed plans.

We "build" by a holistic proclamation of the good news through words and deeds.

Our approach is long-term and in-depth because we value persistent efforts and enduring results.

TRANSFORMING

Our mission is true disciple making. It is not enough to see people merely accept Christian beliefs.

One of the greatest evidences of real transformation is the reconciliation of opposing segments of society.

We believe that it is through prayer that we stay in tune with the Master's will and access His transforming power.

Our efforts are aimed at results that multiply and reproduce on their own - lives being transformed by God and transforming others.

COMMUNITIES

When speaking of "communities" we mean at least three levels where the transforming power of Christ brings change:

THE TEAM - Teams are a microcosm of the unity and diversity that make up loving Christian community.

THE LOCAL CHURCH - Transforming "communities" also includes the local church.

THE LOCAL COMMUNITY - The development of vital, indigenous, effective communities of faith will also transform the local community. Therefore, our aims include the resulting transformation of the surrounding society.

Maps

Sacrifice

One of my co-worker frequently makes me think... today it was about sacrifice. Some people that I talk to perceive that leaving for Africa will involve such large sacrifice. But I know better. I am learning that it is not a sacrifice to give up things I don't value. So if I adjust my values away from what the world says is important I don't have to give up anything! I know that when I make this step in faith, and every step after that as I follow the leading of my Lord I will receive infinitely more than I have given up. Our God is amazing like that.
But can I take it a step further? Am I so bold as to say I even want to suffer for my Savior? Do I really want an opportunity to show my love to him? His disciples rejoiced in their chance to sacrifice. (Acts 5:41...rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name.) I'm not sure I can honestly say that yet, maybe someday. For now I will just enjoy the privilege of being able to serve the Lord Jesus Christ how He asks as I prepare to go.

Rukiya

This is why I want to go so badly-
Rukiya is a new adition to the baby home in Soroti. She is three months old and 2.5kg (5.4lbs). Her mother died and was HIV positive and at birth she weighed 1.5 kg. A basket lady, Mary, her great grandmother was taking care of her but she is very sickly and malnourished. Rukiya is nothing but skin and bones really. She is drinking well and will be loved and cared for at Amecet but she just reminds me of the huge need. I can't help but wonder how I will even be able to help... then I remember I am just an empty vessel being used by the God of this universe who hates this suffering far more than I do.

Kid's Camp 2009

Three and a half weeks ago I didn't think I was doing camp. I had spent hours praying about it and was not getting an answer at all. I didn't understand why but I decieded that if I had not heard from God to go, well, I wasn't going to go. I figured it was better to buckle down and work all summer, get ready to go, etc... Well, some pieces fell into place that, even looking back on it I don't really understand, and I got a week off and got ready to go to camp. This is something that in years past I spend months getting prepared for and now one week before I'm getting a cabin assignment. What is God got in store?!

Camp

So great week at camp... in need of some serious recovery time but posts with pictures soon to follow!

Update

So, a friend pointed out to me at church today that I'm writing in this blog as if everyone knows whats going on in my life. Once I got over the shock that he was right and not everyone knows all details about my life right now, I decided it is time for a recap. Here it is for all of you amazing people out there who care about me and are praying for me and still read my mental wanderings:

• I officially work for International Teams now. They accepted me a few weeks ago and will be placing me in Soroti, Uganda for a minimum of two years- longer if that is God's plan.
• I still work for Saint Mary's but have told my boss about my leaving (a big struggle for me- see previous posts) and will continue to work there until sept.
  
• In September I will leave for 6 weeks of training in Chicago. After that training I hope to return to Saints for a few more months but that is down the road.
• My next BIG challenge is fund raising. I have to raise $30,000 for expenses for the next two years. On top of that I need $2,000 for training. All of this has to be raised before I can head to Uganda. This seems like a huge task and a huge amount but God continually reminds me I just need to trust.
  
• Most of you know Beckie Carlson but for those of you who have never had the pleasure of meeting her she is a good friend and sister to my sister-in-law Christina. We will be doing this next stage of our lives together. (Training and heading to the same place in Uganda.)
• Just one other little thing- my littlest brother (I laugh while I write that) has willingly taken over my house and its bills. However, we have to get tenants in it for that to financially work so we are praying hard that God provides the right people.

So- if all of these pieces fall into place in God's timing we plan to head to Uganda in February 2010. Sometimes that seems so far off but other times it is only 24 weeks away!

Isaiah 41

I'm so glad God is so patient with me. I confessed my fear and them He immediately showed my just how stupid it really was. I'm placing my trust in my job?! In how I can take care of myself?! I'm fearful of losing that? Really?! Why am I placing my trust in the temporary trapping of this world when I serve the King of Eternity? And what is this life anyway? But a speck in the greater picture. What is my time here? But a breath in God's greater picture of things. I'm worried about my comfort and security for the duration of a breath?

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

What I boil this down to- "Don't be afraid. I am God." Thank you Lord for your strength. Thank you for the reminder of how misplaced my fear really is. Thank you for who you are. Amen

Fear

So... I said it out loud for the first time yesterday. I'm scared. I always knew the fear was there but it was not until I was trying to explain why I had not yet officially told my boss... I mean he knew I was planning on leaving but no dates had really been discussed. I'm scared to actually quit. I have a great job, friends at work, a good income, I really like nursing. I don't want to quit. On top of that once I quit, it is like there's no going back. Really, there is no going back anyway, this is what God has told me to do, and I really want to do it and I'm really excited- most of the time. Just once in a while I'm gripped by fear. This is no short term mission trip that I can come home from and go back to life. This will be life. And a good one, but a little scary.
So, now I'm struggling with the fear. I've promised myself- this week I will talk to my boss.

15 weeks

I had a couple of thoughts today that, like a song that plays over and over in your head, would just not leave me alone. Initially these things were like two different songs that I kept flipping back and forth between. You know, like the Kit Kat bar "Gimme a break" commercial and YMCA. But as the day progressed I couldn't stop mulling and the two became the related, then practically the same thought. Really, just more annoing than before because now I couldn't switch back and forth. So, here I am writing about it to just get it all out. Thought I started the day with:

My "to do" list. Urgent vs Important. The world lies to us all the time. It leads me to think that things that are I do are Important by confusing me with Urgent. My house is not as well kept as it should be. The world says that its appearance is important. Is it really? If Jesus were to come see my house would he look down on the fact that I have not cut my grass? Or maybe I should have spent more time just talking with my neighbor. What is actually Important? What lies have I listened to and convinced myself are Urgent? What on my to do list is actually Important? What isn't on there that actually should be? This goes around and around in my head. I don't really know the answers to these questions that I'm asking myself so I try to distract myself with another thought:

15 weeks until I leave for training. Less than 90 days really. So much to do! Everything from setting up an Executor/ Trustee of my estate (I kind of like saying that) to writing a will (really?! Like I've got anything of any value), immunization record and physical on file and a long term work visa through the Ugandan embassy and stuff into storage and stuff to go (what do you take when you are leaving for more than 2 years?!) And fundraising! Lets not even go there!15 weeks! You can see how this could go around and around in your head for a while.

See how these ideas can merge though? What am I supposed to be learning here?