Monday, July 16, 2012

I surrender

Too late at night (or too early in the morning) and I’m still awake…. I don’t really know why. Well, I do, sort of. In a few hours I’m heading to Mbale to try to extend my visa. If unsuccessful, in the next few days I’m going to be packing up and heading back to MI. If successful, I’ll be going back to doing what I do here and heading up to Karamoja soon. As I run it through my head over and over and over and over again, I find that I’m pretty calm about heading back right now. I was not expecting to be back for about a year yet but I don’t hate the idea as I get more and more used to it.  I even find myself starting to look forward to things. And I would stay until the processing of my work permit is finished which is an unknown amount of time but I'd think it would be about 8 months.  On the other side, obviously, I also am pretty fond of the idea of staying here. So why am I still awake with this nervous energy I can’t seem to contain? I guess it is mostly the uncertainty. But, I live in a third world country. Isn’t there always uncertainty and insecurity? Really, why is tonight (this morning) different from any other?
I find myself praying quite a bit since I got back from Kenya.  I want to pray that God just makes everything smooth and the immigration official stamps me for three more months. But a tiny part of me asks why I’m still struggling without the right papers here and why not wait it out in the States? I want to pray for the clear sign to head back, for the chance to reconnect with friends, family and supporters, to be able to fundraise a bit more. But every time, I realize that my strongest desire is for God’s will to be done.  I don’t want to be here or there if it isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I find I’m resonating tonight with the words of the old hymn:
All to Jesus I surrender
Make me Savior wholly thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit
Truly know that Thou art mine.
I pray that His will be done. Will you please also pray with me today?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, I will pray for His will to be done. Funny, I've been thinking about what His will is for me lately. I've been asking the Lord to help me nail my own will to the cross in order to let His will be triumphant. Easier said than done! Fear and pride like to get in the way...