My blog as a ministry tool?

It has been brought to my attention that my readership has shifted slightly. Last year I had about 4,000 hits. Last month I had more than 2,500. Tim and Mandy, I blame this on you. Anyway, regardless of who's fault it is, it has challenged me to censor what I write. Don't worry though. It has only challenged me to do it. I still have not started actually censoring. I still tend to write exactly what is on my mind. And post the majority of it.
But that being said I know that some of you newer readers don't know me. Often what I write is what I'm struggling with and from time to time I heap on the sarcasm. Journaling has, for a long time, been my medium to process, to understand what God is teaching me and unfortunately, mostly to vent. Occasionally life here can be stressful and well, I'm not always proud of what is going on in my head but I want to be honest and when I go back and read what I've written over time, if nothing else it reminds me that I'm far from having it all together.

So, I commit to remaining honest, at least in this forum. I want to continue to share what I'm struggling with disregarding what people may think of me. I know we all struggle with stuff and I hope that as I share God can use it.
One other thing, if you have questions after reading anything please just ask. I would rather answer questions than have something misunderstood. I continue to pray that God uses this blog as a ministry tool, maybe more so now that I have readers who don't know me. God, take it and use it as you will. Amen

Why?

Something that I'm possibly over thinking but still want to analyze... I shared that I've felt tired and burdened and frustrated and anxious and a whole range of feelings from ambivalent to furious with all that has been going on. I've gone to God both disappointed and pissed off. But why such strong emotions with all of this? I know illness is a fact of life. I've cared for sick patients before that take some time to recover. I know that we don't understand God's timing and what He allows into our lives but that He is still in control. I saw amazing things that God did and provided. One of the greatest was how the body of Christ around the world rose up in prayer, support and encouragement. So why has this thrown me for a loop? If you think I'm going to be able to answer this tonight, sorry. I'm still pondering....

Things God has been teaching me

Journal excerpts from the past few days...

9/24 Its been dry but rain always eventually follows the drought. Reminded today that my faith doesn't have anything to do with how I “feel”. I've felt tired and alone and frustrated and anxious and a whole range from ambivalent to furious. I've gone to God both disappointed and pissed off. But none of our circumstances change what is true of God. Reading through promises that I know to be true I'm reminded now that I don't understand the whole picture but I don't have to and I'm just here to be obedient.

Eph 2 I am his workmanship. He knew from the beginning that I would be doing this, struggling with these things. And even in this HE IS MY PEACE! Not things of this world, not my own strength or resources here. But He creates peace in me.

Phil 4:19 He will meet all of my needs, not my wants, but he knows, understands and WILL supply my needs.

II Thess 2&3 God is making me complete, sanctifying me. Somehow this means I'm blessed and set apart for a special purpose. (All believers are sanctified!) God is faithful. He will strengthen and protect me. None of this EVER changes.

There are so many of these promises. They go on and on. Yet, I'm stopped by how overwhelmed I feel. No matter what I experience God's truths are still well, true.



9/25  He emptied my hands of my treasure store,
And his covenant love revealed.
There was not a wound in my aching heart
The balm of his breath has not healed.
Oh, tender and true was his discipline sore,
In wisdom that taught & tried.
Till the soul that he sought was trusting in Him
And nothing on earth beside.
                -O.T. Deevers



9/27  Sitting on top of the falls. Look to the right, Karamoja spread as far as I can see in the early light. Can't help but wonder what the horizon holds. Time to start looking ahead again. Where do I begin?

I'm excited to think about the work that can be down out there. I know it is a hard place but I want the challenge. I want to see what God is going to do. How to begin? If I've learned nothing else in the last few weeks it is that I don't want to, nor can I, rely on myself. So Lord, lead the way. Show me the next step.

Home sweet home

After several days of travel we are finally back in Soroti.

In the airport, Tim with his daughter, heading back into Uganda

How are we doing?  Honestly, I'm exhausted so this will be a quick post just because I haven't in too long. So, on our way back through Mbale we had Tim's follow up labs drawn. Two different laboratories and several hours later we know his kidneys are doing a little better and his liver enzymes are slowly going back down. The values aren't as close to normal as I'd like but the doctor we discussed with in the states is content to continue to wait and watch. Tim is having a little more pain than before and lots more pain than I would like to see but again the doctor reminded us he has a bad infection and it will take time and rest. You hear that Tim?! REST! So we will continue to wait and watch and pray and trust God for healing.
Angie looked really drained tonight and she is pretty much now is a single parent with four kids to take care of so please be praying for her. Tim can be just a little stubborn.
I was reminded when we arrived back with our team how amazing this group is and how much I love working with these guys. It is good to be back with them. And back with Beckie in our home.  So, now tonight we go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

CT Scan

And because I have not perpetrated enough HIPPA violations yet tonight here are some CT images of the elbow also.

Bone Scan

Just for grins and because I can here is the bone scan. Notice the left elbow. An increase in absorption of the radioactive dye indicates a problem. You can see the left is much darker than the right.

Discharged!

So we are getting the heck out of here! The doctors seem to think he is fine. They would like a follow up visit tuesday with a recheck of Tim's labs at that time. After making some phone calls though we are thinking we can get reasonable follow up labs in Mbale next week. That means we can leave Kenya! So we will take today slowly and see if Tim feels up for the flight tomorrow. We will watch closely for an increase or change in pain of either joint or any signs of fever. But I really feel like we are headed in the right direction.... thanks so much to all of you for your prayers! I know that they are the biggest reason that Tim has been "too well" for the doctors to see how sick he initially was and also the reason that they didn't manage to come up with a clear diagnosis.

Waiting for the entorage to round.....

Update time....


Tim seems to be doing much better in most ways. He has a crutch that he uses to get around and seems in better spirits. (Well, is demanding to leave better spirits?) However his liver enzymes are still high enough to make me concerned and his kidney function isn't normal but values are trending down. No fevers in a few days and his blood pressure is within normal range (at least I think. They always tell us it is above 70 diastolic but they aren't very good at taking it. And hypertensive seems ridiculous so I'm not fighting them about it.) So, we are expecting to be discharged today!!

Maybe it is just because we have been back and forth and up and down so much but I'm not as excited about this as I'd like to be. I'm really afraid that we are under medicating a still septic joint and that in two weeks he'll be sick again. I'd also really like us to be in a place where we can still get good lab results for follow up but as soon as we head back to Uganda that just isn't a possibility. So, I think at this point we go and trust God.

Fruit market (AKA today's mental diversion)

There is a great outdoor market within walking distance of the hospital. We got a great variety of fruit that we can't get in Uganda and some pictures that make me laugh.


changing abx again....

Ahhhhhhhh!!! Just when I think I'm getting the frustration under control! Just 12 hours ago Angie and I were brave enough to say aloud maybe we could be back in Soroti by friday. Quick post:

Bone scan scheduled for this morning. Angie and I came in a little later than usual because this test takes several hours and we didn't expect Tim back to his room until late morning. Tim called us at the guest house to tell us that the doctors came around early and are concerned about elevated LFT's (liver enzymes) which are most likely rising due to the antibiotics. That explains why he has been increasingly nauseated and sicker since sunday.

When we arrived here I bullied today's nurse into letting me see the labs- renal function is also off but he didn't let me see anything else. We are really unsure of what the plan is (Tim isn't back to his room so we haven't seen him yet), which meds we will be changing too, what this means for the longer run and if we will just wait and watch (what I'm expecting) or if we will be a little more aggressive with hydration for his kidneys (what I'd like). I just don't know what to do. I'd like to talk with his physician in the states again but as it is 4am there that seems like a bad idea. I'm making enough enemies here I don't need to do it there also.

Anyway, we were reminded again this morning about how real, tangible and concrete spiritual warfare can be and I'm feeling convicted that we need to be more aggressive in standing against it. But what does that even mean? Back to praying for wisdom....

Psalm

Spending some reasurring time in psalms 139 this morning.....

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. (you know better than I do what we need today)
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways (back and forth to the hospital)

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. (Help me to keep my tongue with the doctors)
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me...

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. (I have felt your guiding hand please keep directing us)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (I'm anxious but I WILL TRUST YOU)
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Please continue to refine me and lead me in your way. Amen)

This seems like I've written this before... we had such high hopes for today. We thought we were scheduled to have a bone scan that would tell us if the infection had progressed to osteomylitis or not. But the orthopedic surgeon stopped by last night and said he still didn't really think it could be infection and he didn't think that the scan was warranted. So then what are we doing here?! If it isn't infection what does he think it is? He isn't really sure but some physical therapy and NSAIDS should help. Right! We have been at this for two weeks! Why didn't I think of motrin? Well, after he left the room and I had my temper under control again we all reassured each other that he had no idea what he was talking about. We were frustrated to hear that the bone scan wasn't even ordered and just don't even know what more to say to these doctors but headed back to the guest house to wait for a new day. This morning the whole entourage rounded (5 different physicians- most of whom I have no idea what they do) and said that they still don't understand Tim's labs and they are so happy that he has stopped having fevers. They talk of decreasing his antibiotics and doing some therapy and that he is fine now. It makes me just want to cry. I've lost track of the ways that I've mentioned that HE CANT WALK and that no matter what the labs say now HE WAS SICK. I've been on the phone with two different physicians in the states who both say that it really sounds like it was septic arthritis and now is possibly osteomylitis and don't decrease the antibiotics. If it is a bone infection we really need 6 to 8 WEEKS of treatment. As much as I hate the idea of continuing the IV, I hate more the idea that we could head back and in two weeks have Tim be sick again and possibly lose function in one or both joints. But to continue treatment a PICC line would be ideal (so that I don't have to start and IV new every few days) when we head back to Soroti.


Things did look up a little this afternoon when the surgeon came around again and admitted that even though he disagreed, that the radiologist believed, after looking at the MRI of the elbow, that there was infection in there. He is now willing to order the bone scan and it will be done tomorrow sometime. I talked again with Tim's doctor from the states who will call the doctors here and see if he can... well, if he can do anything. 
I'm sure that there are other things that I could include like how I still have to talk to the nurses about meds that Tim has been on for days now. I had a discussion with today's nurse about what his actual dose of levaquin was and how it seemed he was about 30 cc short when I did the math and she responded that it looked like she gave about half the bottle and I rendered speechless.

Quiet sunday afternoon

I have several other things that I should be working on but my mind is tired and scattered so I'll use the need for an update as an excuse. So where are we at? Sunday afternoon, just hanging out in Tim's hospital room. I'm not sure I've ever seen Tim this discouraged. I'm pretty sure he won't like that I wrote that and he is possibly the single harderst to read patient I've ever had so I could be wrong but I'm sure he's pretty disheartened and sick of this. I know you are all praying for his healing but I really believe we need to be praying for his mental well being also. I personally would have lost it days ago with all of this up and down and back and forth but he is still hanging in there and I'm impressed.


Today we took him out of the hospital to church with some friends this morning and initially the knee didn't seem too bad. But he got really pale during the service and said he was nauseated (I would have given anything to have a BP cuff- I'm sure he was low) and then after church he was back to being unable to bear weight at all and looked very tired. We are just waiting for a bone scan tomorrow that will hopefully give us some answers..... Oh, and I continue to harass the nurses and we are still receiving shoddy care. I lost it with today's nurse when I was questioning his levaquin dose and she told me she just gave the second half of yesterday's dose (out of an already spiked IV piggyback?!!?) I also found out his other antibiotic is scheduled at 6am and 6pm. I don't think he has gotten a morning dose before 9 and he tells us they wake him up to give the night dose. Great. Don't worry those schedules are just suggestions. It makes me want to be out of this african culture so badly.

Ride for Refuge!!

So if I was not in Kenya right now with a sick team mate I'd be doing things to promote Ride for Refuge. This is a great fundraiser for the work we are a part of in Soroti. The money raised goes toward former child soldiers abducted by the LRA, unreached people in northern Uganda (people I really want to work with more!) and vulnerable and exploited kids around Soroti. This is a bike ride but not just for bike riders. If you like to ride or can only do 20 minutes this is the day for you!
I have created a team and will be riding in Soroti. If you are interested I'd love for you to join my team- Soroti Cyclists. Check it out : Grand Rapids- Ride I'll ride here and you'll ride there.
If you can't ride but can still give that would be great too! Grand Rapids- Give Just enter my name. 
Questions?  Let me know. (I'm just sitting around in this hospital room....)

So for a little change of pace I'm posting pictures today. The first few are of the guest house we are staying at. When we drove in late wednesday night, after dark, exhausted from traveling and being at hospitals I felt like I was 7 again. We had stayed in the this same guest house when I lived here with my family 20 years ago. We would arrive after LONG days of travel, after dark, exhausted. The place looks exactly the same as it did as a child. It felt like the weirdest deja vu ever. It is a really nice guest house and I'm glad we are staying there.

The other two pictures are Tim and Angie in their usual places. Hanging in there....

Dessert Song

I've been listening to this song frequently and it has be come one of my favorites during this period of time. (By Hillsong).

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've recieved I will sow.

I'm not even sure what to write anymore. NOTHING has changed! We had such high hopes for yesterday but got no new information. We did manage to get the MRIs done but have not seen results yet. Labs also, they were drawn but no results. I wish I had a good relationship with the nurses but I spend so much time hounding them to do stuff and give meds on time and call doctors that they seem to not be able to stand me (for all you nurses out there that have had patient's family members like me I'm sorry!) They won't let me look at the chart and I've already had two conversations with the nurse manager (about meds being given more than 6 hours after they were ordered, labs not being collected and vitals not being taken when a patient is say he having trouble breathing).


Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." - Lam3:22-24

I keep telling God that we are ready for something to change but I'm afraid he is just telling me to be patient. But this is really hard!! The CT is at 9:30 (Tim has to be taken to another hospital to have that done) and the doctors should round after that so hopefully we will hear something late morning or early afternoon. We head to the hospital soon....